PROMPTS & PRACTICES | “KNOW” GOD

In the next several weeks, I will be featuring what I wrote under Postscript: Prompts and Practices for my upcoming book. For each chapter, I highlight three prompts and corresponding practices.

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God is drawing all creation to say yes (or multiple yes-es) to God’s infinite and non-possessive love. God cannot be or do anything other than love, for God is love. God cannot deny God. This love of God, which is “the ground of being” according to Paul Tillich, rules the heavens and the earth beyond any human understanding. Love is present and available at all times, as God is. We are to join God in making God’s love more accessible and understandable to all creation.

Jesus laid out the Great Commandment, summarizing the Old Testament. The call to love God, love oneself, and love our neighbors serves both as a map and compass for navigating life. These three loves, which are really one same love, instruct how to live well as God’s children in specificity and practicality. Love also is both the intention and action. Love must have both elements; otherwise, it falls short of the love that God intends.

Moving from a conceptual and theoretical framework to a practical and concrete one, I would like to further reflect as well as share a few practices I have embraced over the years that have helped me. I am not blindly assuming that these will also help you. You are most welcome to tweak and change these practices to discover what works for you. That is what is important here. I have generally, and thus not perfectly, divided the prompts and practices under the four categories corresponding to the chapters of the book: Loving God, Loving Oneself, Loving Our Neighbors, and Communion.

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“Know” God

Knowing God perfectly is impossible. Knowing God personally is the invitation here. This personal and subjective knowing of God is a limited and imperfect knowing which breeds humility and compassion. But God seems perfectly okay with our imperfect knowing. God expects that, it seems. This grants us the kind of freedom and latitude to explore our subjective and experiential knowledge of God in our life.

We also are a by-product of our time and culture. We are cultural beings trapped in time and space. The Bible is also a product of time and culture. Knowing God through the Scriptures thus is both the careful work of understanding both the culture and context of the Bible as well as ours. Allowing the conversations to flow out of that process to guide and light our paths of life is the necessary work for us all. Ultimately, we get to know God by knowing Jesus and Jesus’ God. Jesus holds the hermeneutical key to our journey of knowing God.

We also get to know God by “knowing” the magnificent nature of God’s creation, as well as ourselves as God’s magnificent creation.

Practices

  • Read, study, and reflect on the Scriptures including a portion of the gospels every day. Be also a student of the Bible’s cultures as well as ours. Don’t be afraid to go beyond your own tradition and read widely and discern.

  • Write down and reflect on your personal life history regarding how God has been active in guiding and leading your life. What are your own “stones of remembrance?” Do you recognize any discernible patterns of how God has come to you over and over again?

  • How have you experienced God’s unconditional forgiveness and grace in your life? Reflect and write a journal entry.

  • Create your own growing list of gratitude toward God. Be specific and write down as many as you can remember going as far back as you can go. Then give each gratitude a name. These are your very own treasure chest of God’s goodness. Also, notice the emotions you feel by thinking through the list.

LOVING OTHERS & COMMUNION: INTEGRATION OF THE THREE LOVES

This week, I would highlight two more chapter introductions: Loving others & Communion.

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Introduction to Loving Others

When it comes to loving my neighbors, my life is like a roller coaster ride going up and down, jerking side to side, and sometimes making a giant loop or two. It is a wild and unpredictable mixture of loving wrongly to loving rightly and loving conditionally to loving unconditionally or vice versa. I know I have not arrived.

The biblical faith can only exist as translated into a culture. One of the foundational problems in life and missions is that we try to make others love God like we do, believe as we do, behave as we do.

Thus, one of the hardest teachings of Jesus is to love our neighbors, much less love our enemies. Our “neighbors” are as expansive as the entire humanity and as intimate as our family, and everyone in between. In the Book of Leviticus (19:33-34), our neighbors are “foreigners,” meaning people who are completely different from us. Jesus reemphasized this point by including the Samaritans, who were detested by the Jews as neighbors. As I said, it is a hard teaching to follow.

We are to love as Jesus loved. Loving others foremost means giving them freedom to be who they are created to be without forcing them to be like us. Loving others also means we empower them to love their God with their own heart, soul, mind, and strength. As we do this, we witness creations and strengthening of communities that are safe, authentic, and loving, exuding the love of Christ beyond to draw more people into communities. Thomas Merton succinctly captured, “the beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

Loving others and loving ourselves are intricately interdependent. “The man who respects his own originality has a respectful eye for the originality of others,”[1] Adrian Van Kaam wrote. This “respectful eye” is contrasted by the “condemning eye” we are to guard against (Matthew 7:1-5). As we accept and celebrate our own uniqueness and worth, we extend the same grace to others. Both my worth and others’ worth are ultimately God-given, so there is no room for boasting or feeling inferior, stemming from an endless game of comparison and competition.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis penned wise words, “The rule for us all is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

When we love our neighbor as ourselves, we are an answer to our own prayer, “Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”



[1] This quote is from Van Kaam’s book, Living Creatively: How to Discover Your Sources of Originality and Self-Motivation, page 13.

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Communion: Integration of the Three Loves

There is no greater vision, calling, and destination than to be in union with God as followers of Jesus. In the garden of Gethsemane (John 17), Jesus prayed the ultimate vision of humanity’s end goal: to be one with God. When we pursue being united with God, we become living answers to Jesus’ prayer.

Union with God can be summarized in one word, love. As God is love, as we become one with God, we become love. We were all created by Love toward Love. Love is both the essence of our existence and the vision of our calling. This love is outlined by Jesus as loving God, loving ourselves, and loving our neighbors. To become love is to love everything God loves and in the way God loves.

In order to pursue and become love, we must seek comm-union with God, ourselves, and with others.

For much of my adult life, I was taught to die, sacrifice, and surrender myself for the sake of God and others. It took a significant revelation to realize that I was part of the world God loves. Somehow, I detached myself from the world God loves and acted as if I stood outside of the world. I realized over time I acted as if I did not need God’s love after my “salvation”. I also realized that was a rejection of God’s indwelling and continual love. I was too good and worthy to need God’s love. How arrogant and blasphemous I was!

To be in comm-union with myself is the most misunderstood and thus difficult challenge, especially for evangelicals. To be in union with myself is to be in union with Christ who is in me. Thus, Christ in me and I are not separated. Christ in me recognizes Christ in others and vice versa and thus create union with others. Communion with all three loves cannot be separated, and they grow in unison, which fulfills the prayer of Jesus.

LOVING GOD AND LOVING ONESELF

Last week, I shared the introduction to the upcoming book. This week, I would like to share two chapter introductions (loving God and loving oneself) of my book. Next week, I will feature two more. I wrote these in June when I was in Korea. Happy reading!

Introduction to Loving God

For decades, I have wrestled with God, who seemed to me to be incongruent at best and bipolar at worst. God portrayed in the Old Testament and the New Testament appeared to be radically different. God in the Old Testament seemed to be largely punitive, retributive, short-tempered, and decisive in handing judgments based on God’s just and righteous character. God in the New Testament, on the contrary, seemed to be much more restorative, loving, compassionate, and patient.

Through my struggles over time, I have realized that Jesus Christ holds the key in interpreting the Old Testament as well as the New Testament. God portrayed through the teachings, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus is the God of the Bible. Through Jesus Christ, we are invited to enter the union with the God of Jesus, which is to love God.

How we answer what God is like dictates our life’s trajectory and impacts our habitual decisions, both big and small.

To be sure, knowing and loving God is a lifelong journey. The two are intricately dependent on each other. There is a big difference between knowing God and knowing about God. Knowing and loving God is an intimate, subjective, and personal act. Jesus taught us to love God with all our heart, mind, strength, and soul. We must love God with our whole being, not with our disjointed and compartmentalized selves. We also must love God with our own individual hearts, mind, strength, and souls. We cannot love God with someone else’s heart, mind, strength, and soul.  

Consider this chapter as an invitation to reimagine, rethink, and re-posture your understanding of what God is like and an invitation ultimately to love God. We are to do this as imperfect beings. God is okay with that and fully expects that. Thus, a pilgrim’s ultimate sanctification journey is to move from conditional and imperfect love to unconditional and perfect love.

Introduction to Loving Oneself

For most of my life, I have lived my life based on others’ expectations and thoughts of me. What others think of me and expect from me have been my guiding light, especially for me as a Korean American, with an emphasis on Korean. Earlier in life, I am my parents’ son. Later, I am my wife’s husband, my children’s father, my church’s member and missionary, my organization’s member and leader, and so forth and so on. What others think and expect of me have dictated my life.

While this is still a work in progress, it has taken a herculean effort of courage, honesty, and self-awareness to swim against the powerful current of external thought of me to discover and accept who I am. I am not what others think of me. I cannot live my life based on others’ thoughts and expectations of me. The need to swim against the current is just as true for the followers of Jesus as it is for the entire swath of society. Especially in societies where uniformity and distorted view of harmony reign and are valued, one is discouraged to stand out and discover oneself.

Why did Jesus say, “love your neighbor as yourself?” Why didn’t he simply say, “love your neighbor?” This question has lingered with me for years, especially since the Church emphasized “love your neighbor” while ignoring “as yourself.” What did Jesus mean? The main clue is found in Genesis 1 where it is recorded that all humanity is created in the image and likeness of the triune God. And God said it was very good. At the risk of being simplistic, Jesus’ command could also be viewed as—treat others in the same way you view yourself—as God’s creation. Furthermore, the command was to recognize and affirm God’s created image and likeness in myself as well as others!

When you scan the heroes and heroines of all traditions, after incredible feats of adventures, they all invariably “come home.” That homecoming can be interpreted as “coming Home” and “coming home to oneself.” A pilgrim’s journey starts with whose one is as well as who one is. There is no other better start!

A RESTLESS SOUL

I am currently working on a book in Korean. No. I am not writing in Korean. It is being translated from English. The process of publishing a book in Korea was accidental and providential. In some ways, it is almost like “coming home.” I am excited for the opportunity mainly out of hope and desire in being helpful to Koreans who are “asking, seeking, and knocking.” The book is basically a compilation of my previous blog entries arranged and edited in four different chapters: Loving God, Loving Oneself, Loving our Neighbors, and Communion.

I would like to share my preface to the book this week. This is an unedited version and may change in due process. Thank you for reading.

I am a restless soul.

A few years ago, as a middle-aged man adorned with a shaved head and a goatee, I visited my old elementary school, Chu Gye Elementary School in Bukahhyundong in Seoul, Korea. I attended the school from 1969 to 1974, age 6-11. I was giddy with excitement to revisit my old stomping ground where I thought I “ruled the world.” After wandering around the ground and soaking in the flood of memories of my innocent and happy days, I gingerly walked into the school record room and wanted to engage with someone who was willing to hear my meandering of memories. I quickly found my unfortunate victim, and she kindly went along with my story. Almost as an escape, she asked me whether I would be willing to say hello to the principal of the school. I nodded my head somewhat hesitantly not knowing what I got myself into. The principal walked out of his office just as puzzled. As soon as I saw his face, I remembered him! He was one of my teachers while I was a student. He was young then, and I was really young. As he also recognized me which surprised me, we exchanged pleasantries, and he asked me whether I wanted to see my old school record. “Of course,” I said. What caught my eye was not my grade point average (which was equivalent to C- at best if not D+). The comment section was filled with my teachers’ evaluations of me for 6 years. One thing that was consistent was the repeated comment about my being “scattered” and my lack of ability to focus and pay attention. I didn’t know it then, but I probably had ADHD. I busted out laughing both at my GPA and the comments. The president and the lady also busted out laughing. It was a good day. 

Being scatter-brained is a trait that has not left me. As an Enneagram type 7, I know I have a “monkey mind,” jumping from one thought to another in quick succession. Over time, this scatter-mindedness has led me to discover that I am a restless soul on a deeper level. I am a restless soul seeking understanding and answers to the meaning of life.

A few of my life’s fundamental restless pursuits include seeking answers to: What is God like? Who am I? What is humanity? And how are these things related, if at all?

True to my scattered brain and my restless soul, this book is primarily a collection of short essays of reflection based on the questions above—my story—the life that is certainly more graced than graceful. I am a Korean American, so I perceive and interpret reality and life based on my unique cultural makeup as well as from my imperfect theological lens. This book also contains my musings, not a dishing out of pat answers or platitudes, but more raising of questions. This book is not systematically structured for me to answer the questions I have raised. It is about my own hints, guesses, and intuitions about my own spiritual journey, which is my natural human journey, and my natural human journey, which is also my spiritual journey. I move and experience life this way, and my writing reflects the tendency. It is a collection of sketches, meditations, and the “reading” of my human and spiritual life. I am fully aware that for some people, this book may be too ethereal, too free-flowing, and provides no firm landing points (i.e. applications), which may lead them to shy away from the book. This book, as a collection of short essays, may best be read with open, transparent, and seeking hearts, not with analyzing minds searching for practical answers. When it seems that I am writing to offer answers, please know that they are merely suggestive based on my own journey. In short, I write descriptively, not prescriptively. 

I am a pilgrim on a journey, unrepeatably unique to who I am and how God created me but also on a pilgrimage along with countless other pilgrims, too many to count. As a pilgrim, I got lost numerous times, fell flat on my face, knew deep hunger, faced dangers and hurts, witnessed mountain top panoramic breathtaking views, walked along the dark path, found joy in small wonders, and met other pilgrims along the journey. Thus I write as a pilgrim to and for fellow pilgrims. As such, we may naturally converge and dialogue on some reflections and musings and digress on some others. 

As pilgrims, I imagine that we are not unlike the two disciples walking on the Emmaus Road, talking, discussing, and trying to make sense out of what has happened and is happening with The Reality. Then Jesus suddenly appears and joins us in the journey, though we don’t notice Jesus right away, asking questions and talking with us! I hope what happened to the disciples also happen to us: “Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him (Jesus).” (Luke 24: 31) “And they said to each other, ‘Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?’” (v. 32) Notice the word suddenly. Our habitual tendencies toward planning and prescription are often met with holy spontaneity and shock of Jesus, urging us to relinquish what we used to hold onto before. Eyes opening, recognizing Jesus, and hearts burning during our life’s journey are all common experiences of pilgrims!

Chong Kim

Having led a fairly comfortable and sheltered life in Seoul, Korea, until my father’s business spectacularly failed, my parents decided to immigrate to the U.S. in 1977. I was 14 years old at the time. 

I found Christ during my first year at college. To be more precise, Christ found me.

Freedom is at the core of who I am and what I long to see becomes a reality on earth for all to be who God created them to be without someone (or something) forcing them to be who they are not. 

After serving over 30 years as a missional thinker and activist at Frontier Ventures, previously known as the U.S. Center for World Mission, I am finding myself longing to slow down, create space to live out my contemplative nature, and deepen my pursuit towards true self and freedom. I am seeking a new kind of activism driven by my great desire to create safe space to live authentically.

I approach this book as a platform to share my interior faith journey—riddled with dark valleys and high peaks and uneasy questions and answers and ultimately the ongoing process of shedding my false self and discovering my true self. I hope my journey will resonate with pockets of people who are seeking to live this life as God’s Kingdom citizens—as beloved sons and daughters.

I can easily be spotted at a good coffee shop with a good book (too many good coffees in the world to try them all! Sigh...). I love to watch Phil Rosenthal’s Somebody Feed Phil and the Korean Begin Again series and bleed purple and gold (go Lakers!). I am happily married to my wife, Grace, who is a spiritual director, and we have 4 wonderful adult children. Our family values that we have shaped over time are freedom, fun, and safe space.

GOD, THE CHURCH, AND THE PANDEMIC | PART 1

[Warning: This blog entry features sizable quotations from N. T. Wright from two of his books: God and the Pandemic: A Christian Reflection on the Coronavirus and Its Aftermath and The Lord and His Prayer. Due to its length, I’ve decided to post in two consecutive entries.]

For further information, I encourage you to check out the video: A Christian Response To Coronavirus: A Virtual Event with N.T. Wright and Francis Collins

https://biologos.org/resources/a-christian-response-to-coronavirus-a-podcast-recording-with-n-t-wright-and-francis-collins/

About a week ago, Korea elevated COVID-19 restrictions to its highest level, 4, which means while restaurants and shops can be opened, the maximum number of people that can gather is limited up to 4 people until 6 pm. After 6 pm, the number is 2. This basically wipes out most of social gatherings while allowing the society to minimally function. I’ve been deeply impressed by how Koreans adhere to such protocol. Clearly, this is one of the benefits of an honor-shame society in operation. 99.99% of the percent of the people outside wear masks. I am probably the most disgruntled one amid heat and humidity. 

The Church views COVID-19 as a serious impediment and threat to the life and workings of Christianity since churches cannot meet for worship, convert others to Christianity, and further produce disciples. Without venturing into where the COVID virus originates from and how it “ingeniously” tweaks and develops several variants (this is certainly beyond my pay grade), the Church largely failed to engage and serve as healing hands and feet to those under pain and suffering. The Church largely views COVID as a significant nuisance and distraction away from what is most important, which is to rescue and save souls for eternity. 

N. Tom Wright, one of the leading New Testament scholars of our time, wrote a book, God and the Pandemic: A Christian Reflection on the Coronavirus and Its Aftermath. Wright untangles one of the most misunderstood scripture verses that Christians love to lean on especially during trying times. It is none other than Romans 8:28. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[h] for those who are called according to his purpose. (ESV)

The version I grew up with basically says, “as long as I love God, God will cause all things to work together for good for me.” I am the beneficiary of goodness due to God’s workings on my behalf. So a translation during the pandemic goes something like, “God is going to cause all things even COVID-19 to work together for good eventually.” 

Wright breaks it down this way.

It’s very dense bit of Greek and when we look at it, actually God is the subject of the sentence—that’s the first thing—it’s God who will work all things together but then the “working together”—the verb Paul uses here—means that God is taking those whom God loves as His partners. . . and the previous two verses explain who those partners are. . . because when he says “those who love God” he is referring to these who are lamenting, who are groaning in the groaning of all creation (v. 26-27), who are resonating with the pain of the World, and Paul says that the Holy Spirit is indwelling them and the Spirit, too, is groaning with inarticulate yearning.

That means that something is going on here; that within the World there is the Church (and) there is the Spirit groaning. Those who are holding on to that in lament, Paul says they are the ones who love God, and somehow God uses that lament, that prayer which is often a wordless prayer, a cry of pain; of not understanding, God uses that within His purposes for good; for larger good to come to the World. Which, in the passage, is about the renewal of all Creation; the time when the whole Creation will be set free. . . 

. . . so it’s a very dense verse, and it is full of hope, but it doesn’t just mean we are passive and sitting back and saying, ‘well, this will all work out somehow’, but we are very much praying often in agony or in lament and we can be assured that God is working with us at those times. . . to bring good in the short and in the much longer term.

Two things stand out to me: first, those who love God are those who are able to lament and enter into wordless groanings. Wordless because it is beyond any reasonable articulation and it is quite “simply” mysterious. But while dwelling in mystery, we are still able to identify with those who are suffering without answers. Secondly, while why God chooses to partner with us remains a profound mystery, what we do know is that God invites us to partner or co-labor with God according to this passage. I would submit that a reason why God invites us is because we are to be united with God in being and doing. Union with God is not possible without co-laboring with God.

VAN GOGH'S UPPER ROOM

This entry is the first of two series from the same event. Next week’s entry will be titled The Starry Night and God’s Fool.

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Yesterday, I shed my first tears while in Korea. In fact, I broke down. A moment later, I uttered a statement to my wife and Brother Ha that I know now why God sent us to Korea. Even as I write this sentence in a café on the following morning, I am shedding tears.

On our visit to Brother Ha, he took us to a room in a dilapidated Itaewon neighborhood. Live wires 10 feet above the ground crisscross like some complex spider web. This area is scheduled to be bulldozed in 2 years to make way for uber-expensive high-rise buildings that will crowd the sky. As soon as I walked into the room, something moved me. I didn’t know why. I was told by Brother Ha that this upper room used to be a tattoo parlor, which I suspect could only be found through word of mouth, as satellite navigation would simply fail. 

I told Brother Ha as soon as we walked into the room that I loved the ambiance and the spirit of the room. As if he was waiting to hear the comment, his excitement level noticeably notched up as he invited us to sit down. My eyes were still scanning the room and its eclectic mixture of furniture and knick-knacks when he said, “I named this room, Gogh’s Upper Room.” I was puzzled and thus snapped out of my Bourne-esque scanning mode and locked my eyes with his. He went on to share the story of Van Gogh, yes the Van Gogh. Vincent Van Gogh was raised by fervent Protestant parents (Van Gogh’s father and his grandfather were pastors and his uncle was a theologian) and the receptive and the seeking Van Gogh decided to follow his parents’ wishes by going to a seminary but failed entry. This led to his becoming a missionary to a rejected and dejected mining town in southern Belgium, the lowest of the low at the time. Van Gogh hit a wall because the mining folk would not accept him as one of them, as Van Gogh was from an educated and well-to-do family. Van Gogh decided to go “all-in” by living with them and living like them. Van Gogh’s earliest drawings were all about the mining town and its folk. Needless to say, none of the paintings got sold. Not that he was trying to sell his paintings, since no artist in his or her right mind would draw such scenes at the time. Artists were drawn to paint Christian themes, as they were more likely to be bought by wealthy clients to be hung in their homes. 

Two years into his service among the mining folk, his denomination supervisor paid a visit to see how well Van Gogh was carrying out his mission. The supervisor was disturbed by Van Gogh’s approach and told Van Gogh that he was defaming Christianity and that he was “fired.” Van Gogh was deemed too radical by his incarnational approach. He didn’t preach and teach enough of Christian doctrine according to the supervisor. Shocked and shaken to his core, Van Gogh decided to leave the Church and Christianity. What follows is the better-known story of Van Gogh’s launching into becoming an artist (which he already was) of flowers, landscapes, portraits (including himself), etc. He made an intentional decision not to draw religiously themed paintings except for a few “spiritual” paintings, which took great courage and resolve.

Brother Ha and his wife are serving the “mining folk” of their context, which are the Muslim refugees from Morocco, Yemen, Egypt, Iraq, Syria, Bangladesh, Pakistan, etc, who have settled in Korea. Each of their journeys with its twists and turns I would not be able to fathom would be worth a book, I thought fleetingly. Husbands move from job to job and are often gone for a week or two at a time outside of Seoul, while wives tend to young children, barely making ends meet. Brother Ha stepped into the Muslim community in Itaewon by first establishing a “community center” for the Muslims. “Mr. Ha” is known as the go-to person who would help take care of many challenges facing these desperate families. We visited Brother Ha on a Friday afternoon right after the Friday prayer at the biggest mosque here in Korea. While sitting down to chat, a Muslim in full traditional garb came to speak to Mr. Ha. His eyes reflected trust and warmth toward Mr. Ha. He told me he had just attended the Friday prayer. 

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3 years after opening the community center, Mr. Ha and his wife established Barocha Library, tutoring the school-age Muslim children right across from an elementary school. The elementary school with a student body of 300 features 120 refugee Muslim children from all over the world. We met vibrant Wajid with an infectious smile visible even behind the mask, who must have been 5 years old or so. Wajid was born in Korea and spoke Korean fluently, as any other 5-year-old Korean boy. A year after opening Barocha Library, Brother Ha and his wife established Boaz Center, specifically to equip the women with skills of sewing and making small decorative plants for online sale. A year later, they started a business of making and selling Korean rice cakes by employing Muslim women. We were served by a few Moroccan women who prepared their traditional Couscous dish along with the Korean rice cakes. Never have I thought that I would eat Couscous and Korean spicey rice cakes in the same meal. As we thanked them for a great meal, it felt right to be given, rather than to give. I hoped that it would grant them a small dose of dignity by being the hosts in a foreign country. Had we visited them in their homes in Morocco, they would have been just as hospitable.

Time is ticking for these families, including Brother Ha’s labor of love since the area will be bulldozed in 2 years or so. After we said goodbye, I simply asked God to provide a better future. 

UNFORCED RHYTHM OF GRACE

You have a special treat this week as I have asked my wife, Grace, to share her reflection. She graciously agreed to write an entry. I am sure you will appreciate her thoughtful process while in Korea with me. Her writing flows effortlessly and warmly invites us all to examine unforced rhythm of grace in our own life. Someone has wisely said that in life, direction is more important than speed. My wife seems to have discovered her natural rhythm while keeping the direction in view.

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I was riding in the backseat of the car with a precocious 8 year old on our way to the airport, ready to depart from our time in Jeju Island. I told her, “I can’t do anything fast. I am slow in everything.” She countered, “How about sneezing? How about hiccups?” Okay, maybe I can sneeze fast and hiccup fast, but my natural pace is invariably slooowww.

Korea is fast. Everything is fast here. Koreans walk fast. Wifi speed is lightning fast. Meal delivery motorcycles are ubiquitous here, and they are fast. To our surprise, Chong was able to get prescription reading glasses in under 15 minutes, from eye exam to having the glasses in his hands. Chong is constantly reminding me that if I hesitate, Koreans will quickly take that empty seat I’ve been eyeing. Cars do not make way for pedestrians here. They are on the move and getting somewhere fast.

There is a saying that God moves at 3 miles per hour. This is the speed at which humans walk. Today, for the first time ever in my life, I took the subway by myself in Korea. Chong is away at a men’s retreat, and I took it upon myself as a personal challenge to venture out alone. I am terrible with direction and easily get lost, so this seemingly mundane event is momentous for me. I went to a bookstore just four subway stops away and took my time meandering among the shelves, picking up this book and that, browsing to my heart’s content. I slowly walked the subway path, making sure that I am entering the correct tunnel and exiting the right stairway. I observed the people along the way. My heart is at peace when I move at my own slow speed. 

Slow living is one way I am learning to “live my life as me.” It has taken me time to learn how to do this. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28, “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace” (Message). Living my life as me is aligning myself with the design that God has put in me when I was knitted together in my mother’s womb. For some time now, I have been on a journey of self-awareness and self-discovery. It has been a seeking of how Christ desires to live His life through my life, as me, in my particular context.

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Chong recently spoke at a seminar, and what he said about slowing down caught my attention. He said that in order for us to really and seriously examine our interior space, we need to slow down. However, he also said that we need to be able to discern when to stop, when to slow down, but also when to speed it up, moving quickly.  For example, when we sense that God is on the move, sensing a rising momentum, we may need to move fast. This makes me think of the difference or the relationship between fast and hurry. Perhaps fast describes the action and hurry describes the inner orientation.

Dallas Willard famously said, “Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.” Hurry is the sense that I have when I feel driven to get to the next place or the next thing. Hurry robs me of fully appreciating the gifts of the present moment. I observe myself when I am in a hurry; I can check off all the items on my to-do list, trying to buy time by getting quickly from one thing to the next, and when my day is done, I still cannot relax, because I have carried the sense of hurry within me. Dallas Willard also supposedly was asked to describe Jesus’ character in one word. He said, “Relaxed.” Jesus had full days of ministry, sometimes beginning in the early morning in darkness to be alone with the Father, then ministering to the multitudes who sought Him out. He never seemed to be in a hurry, though. He was present to the one(s) with Him in the moment, fully seeing them, fully knowing them, fully communing with them, and they were healed and transformed.

Our year-long sabbatical taught Chong and me to slow down. Even though I don’t move quickly, I think I was often in a hurry. Sometimes a mom’s life is so full of responsibilities, it is understandable. For years, I felt driven by time, and I always felt I lacked time. I even said, “Time is my enemy.” Once we entered our sabbatical, I was suddenly gifted with days that were not filled with schedules and responsibilities. It is during this period that I discovered that I need great stretches of time to sit in silence, to read, reflect deeply, and journal to feel like I am me. Getting to have that time day after day for a year, especially due to COVID, was truly a gift for me. I discovered my natural rhythm. I discovered how to live my life as me.

CELL | SANCTUARY AND PRISON

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life –

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

By William Stafford

My wife and I made our way to Korea on May 7. As is the case for all incoming foreign nationals with a short term stay (less than 3 months), we were herded (in some cases literally) through the entire customs and the COVID protocol and ultimately landed in a hotel room for a 2 week mandatory quarantine until May 21. The unexpected? My wife and I are separated into two separate rooms! This possibility never entered my mind. What ungodly and unjust system is this! Nevertheless, it has become a reality in the last 10 days. Thus I am in my own small hotel room, I mean “cell.” True, this is a very “luxurious cell” with all the technology, perks, and comforts. It is no cave, to be sure. This is undoubtedly a newfangled and fascinating experience I have not experienced before. So this blog post is about what I have processed and reflected in the last 10 days or so. 

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“Go, sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.” Abba Moses, one of the great Desert Fathers in the 4th century, advised one of his followers. I suppose there are multiple different ways to define what cell refers to. In early Christianity, cell was an actual cave, place, or a rudimentary room for radical ascetic hermits. Most of these cells were self-sustaining; they could survive days and even years, provided someone from the outside supplied them with food. 

Centuries later, Saint Francis developed a compelling application of this “cell.” “Wherever we are, wherever we go, we bring our cell with us. Our brother body is our cell and our soul is the hermit living in the cell. If our soul does not live in peace and solitude within this cell, of what avail is it to live in a man-made cell?” What a profound application!

For me, this “cell” has felt like sanctuary and prison. Sometimes a sanctuary, sometimes a prison. . . Sanctuary means safety and protection. It also connotes temporal reprieve, as life cannot be lived only in a sanctuary. Prison means strict restrictions and loss of freedom, which is identical to my situation. Interestingly, it felt more like a prison initially, and I find myself moving toward this cell becoming more of a sanctuary. I still have my bursts of restlessness and bouts of head-spinning craziness, but so far, no full-on hyper-ventilating episode. Maybe it will come. . . but I am not holding my breath!

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Here are a couple of musings so far. 

“Time is life itself,” Richard Rohr said. Time moves slower in this “cell.” I noticed myself becoming far more restless when I began thinking about the number of days to go. My mind would check out of this cell while my body was still here. The discrepancy of my mind’s activity and my body’s awareness created restlessness and angst, especially on the 2nd and the 3rd days. Over time, I learned to focus on the life that was unfolding right in front of me and right in this cell, rather than to be fixated on the day of freedom. I salivate just imagining all the Korean food I can eat! With supreme irony, the freedom I was desiring was imprisoning me. A few days ago, in my cell, I discovered (through Parker Palmer’s Facebook post) the poem above by Stafford, and the invitation was lucid. Stafford’s question, “What can anyone give you greater than now, starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?” jolted me out of the funk and sealed the lesson for me, catapulting me toward greater fidelity to the present moment.

Then it occurred to me that a slowed-down life doesn’t mean I am not living an unproductive or unfruitful life. It could be that the complete opposite may be true. Time, or I should say, the present moment, is elusive for me (as I sketched above). I am always fixated on future matters, concerns, and visions. I realized that I was not helping myself by thinking about what to do after I get out of this hole. To maintain minimal sanity and perhaps even enjoyment and full aliveness, I must be fully present in my hole, I mean my cell, one day at a time. 

Practically, this process necessitated developing a daily routine and rhythm. Thankfully, I experienced very little jetlag. My day starts out with a shower, silence, Pray As You Go reflection, and breakfast that is delivered to my door. Only then can I open the door. One time, I opened the door during non-meal hours, and the alarm went off. (Did I tell you this felt more like a prison? I thought the prison guard was going to come and pound me. :) ) Then the highlight of the day: making my own cup of coffee using the hand grinder and the Aeropress I brought from home and enjoying the pure bliss. I murmur to myself, "I am alive." Reading and writing fill the rest of the morning, followed by a lukewarm lunch. By the way, since my wife and I are separated, we decided to zoom and eat meals together and have conversations. In one of the conversations, she told me you should write a blog about what you are learning. So here it is. 

Afternoons consist of further reading and writing and keeping up with emails and text messages as well as workouts. Ever since my children got me an Apple Watch last Christmas, I am somewhat obsessed with closing the 3 exercise/activity rings daily, while my wife would tell you I am very obsessed. Closing the rings means I have to be creative as to how I exercise in a confined hotel room. I am exercising in ways I didn’t think were possible. I am not only doing this for closing the rings but also to pass time and to maintain my sanity. It gives me something productive to do. Occasionally, I would watch the Lakers or the Dodgers, which easily becomes another highlight of the day, especially when they win. After dinner, it is time to get caught up with the news, watch some Korean TV, and/or movies. Fortunately, I have at least one or two zoom calls per day, which move the day forward. 

As reality (or a day) unfolds, I need to let the Big Reality (God) simply take over by turning off or at least recognize my own interior noises, interpretations, and commentaries of reality, which are basically designed to save ego, reputation, and worth. Reality, often, is not the same as my interpretation of reality.

One other lesson: Paying attention to small and immediate things. I sense that this is an overarching invitation from God during this trip. Pay attention to “small” or seemingly less significant conversations, encounters, or people. Even getting to a certain destination, I remind myself that the goal is not the final destination, but that in the process of getting there, I need to “sober up” and pay attention. I notice the muffled noise of the cars whizzing by outside. I am grateful to smell and listen to the spring rain the last two days, almost mimicking the rain lullaby I had forgotten but stored in my childhood memory bank in Korea. The other morning, a bird flew up and thumped the window as if to greet me. Grinding, smelling, and drinking coffee in the mornings has become an important daily ritual. Following my afternoon workout, enjoying the very few pieces of fruit, like one tiny slice of orange, 3 grape tomatoes, and 3 grapes given to us during breakfast (no exaggeration here) has gifted me a small dose of happiness. 3 times a day zoom with my wife and eating meals together and other daily zoom calls have become precious connection to the outside world. 

A series of probing questions Stafford raises provokes me to start right here, right in this room, and right in this moment. I can only live my life in the present moment, neither in the past nor in the future. Only now. . . I also remind myself to be aware of “sunlight, scent, and sound” wherever I may be at that moment in this cell and beyond.