FEAR

As a human being, I naturally experience thoughts, feelings, and, of course, fear. However, I am not my thoughts, feelings, or fear. The reality is that while I have them, they do not define me. What some have coined as FEAR, or “false evidence appearing real,” resonated with me recently. As an Enneagram 7, I often find myself in my head, and fear lurks around as a constant adversary. My sense of peace can sometimes be an illusion. Likewise, my sense of fear may not be grounded in reality. it is simply false evidence appearing real. With further introspection, it is not even false evidence but a loud projection of what can go wrong. And I can choose to navigate my life based on my projection and perception. Or not! Either way, the appearance as real, far from real, is the main culprit for being a captive of fear. The invitation is for me to be aware that I am writing certain script, scripts to protect myself and my self-interests. When I am aware and name what I am doing (or thinking in this case) in the present, they simply disappear.

When our friends from Korea visited us, the one go-to activity the children wanted to do was swimming. At one point, all children and adults from Korea and Malaysia were together frolicking around in the pool. We were of one mind playing. On one corner of the pool, my wife who knows how to swim was instructing a child, an absolute beginner, how to swim. Not knowing what came over me, being nearby, I decided to give it a shot for myself. I almost drowned when I was a child and ever since I was afraid of water, particularly the deep. But this was only 5 feet deep. Now there were two absolute beginners. In just a few minutes with my wife’s gentle and clear instructions, to my shock, I found out that I could float! With strong encouragement from our Malaysian community afterward, I enrolled in an adult swimming class for the next several weeks. I am learning to face my fear (though I have not been to the deep yet) and embrace what I can and cannot.

Seeing “fear as a vehicle of silence” is like turning my enemy into a friend, embracing fear as a movement from affliction to the vehicle of Presence. Martin Laird’s book, Into the Silent Land, articulately outlines the shift from victim (of fear) to witness (of fear). Fear flexed its muscles in my restless mind during the firestorms in Southern California. My fear-feeding mind was fixated on what was taking place, trying to learn as much as I could, and keeping track. Fear dominated much of my life regarding water. On a grander scale, our imminent move to Korea is riddled with joy, excitement, and fear. In all these cases, learning to be aware and name what I am doing (which is a testimony of the life of a witness) and projecting especially regarding fear is a real-time lesson. Helen Cepero’s words (Christ-Shaped Character: Choosing Love, Faith, and Hope) made me pause, “Sometimes the search for abundance in our lives is evidence of our fear of scarcity.” The fear of scarcity for me can lead to the door of suffering. Richard Rohr points out that suffering occurs when we lose control. I don’t see myself as a control freak, but I admit that I still fear scarcity.

In this vein, Barbara Brown Taylor’s words (An Altar in the World) struck a chord of resonance in me.

. . . pronouncing a blessing puts you as close to God as you can get. To learn to look with compassion on everything that is; to see past the terrifying demons outside to the bawling hearts within; to make the first move toward the other, however many times it takes to get close; to open your arms to what is instead of waiting until it is what it should be; to surrender the justice of your own cause for mercy; to surrender the priority of your own safety for love—this is to land at God’s breast.

Pronouncing a blessing puts me close to God. In the phrase “surrendering the priority of your own safety for love,” the drive for safety is my sense of control leading to fear and suffering. It is to land at God’s breast. What can reverse such narrow-mindedness and self-interests is to pronounce blessings, to myself and others. As such, the pronouncement of blessing aids us in seeing beyond bias, projections, and false evidence. The pronouncement of blessing gets us close to God and to be in union with God as the original Blessor. Our blessing is not our own, but simply a conduit or an instrument of God’s blessing, pointing everything back to God and getting all of us close to God including myself.