RITUAL OF LEAVING AND ARRIVING

There should have been a warning, a fair warning for deep spiritual and emotional encounters, to come with a stash of tissues. As part of the Closing Residency of CenterQuest Asia Pilot School of Spiritual Direction, “Ritual of Leaving” was slotted toward the end of the Closing Residency program. As a guest for both the Opening Residency last January and the Closing Residency (CR) last week, I had the privilege of attending the bookend retreats without the rumored rigorous work for 16 months in between. As one of only three guests during the “Ritual of Leaving,” I was invited to participate in the ritual if I felt led. I knew immediately I was to participate and join in the ritual, whatever the form. While I did not share the depth of intimacy and solidarity among the cohort and the mentors, I have developed meaningful friendships with a handful of trainees and mentors including two Korean brothers.

The warm ambient lighting and calm and expectant presence of the people enveloped the large empty room enough for some 60 people. The chairs were placed in one large circle since the first day of the CR when each person placed a symbol that encapsulates their experiences of the entire training. On the first day, the symbols were presented by each person and put in the middle of the room by groups forming a big circle with six spokes, like a wagon wheel which is the CenterQuest’s symbol. In the middle of the circle was the big candle with three wicks, representing the embodying Presence of the Trinity. The symbols remained in the middle of the room throughout the week reminding all that transpired during the training.

We sat in a big circle with no empty chairs in between, waiting for instructions for the ritual. The instructions were straightforward to follow. We were to go around in two layers of circles, essentially being face to face with everyone twice, once for “giving” and the other for “receiving.” As one approaches the other face to face, the one who approaches gazes into the other’s eyes for a few seconds and bows down with hands folded across one’s chest (heart), gesturing more than a simple respectful bow. Then the recipient was to do the same. No words. No hugs. But with plenty of eye contact showering each other with honor, appreciation, and love. The holy hush cascaded down, the unknowable yet knowable divine hijacked the simple human form of gaze and bow.

This was not the first time I had engaged in such practice. But never with these many people. By this time, I have spoken to most of them, and have engaged in deep and honest conversations.

Some eyes were shy, warm eyes, eyes that were gentle and tender, eyes that were compassionate. They were loving eyes because of being loved and graceful because of being graced. They were the very eyes of Jesus because they were little Jesus-es. Christ in me saw and witnessed the Christ in others. Christs were everywhere, overwhelmingly, yet elusively, representing divine shyness. They peered into my soul and I into them. I felt like my soul was naked and bare before the others, not the fearful or the shaming kind but the loving kind that transported me back to the “Garden” before the Fall in the generous bosom of my God.

Some bowed 90 degrees and held their heads low longer than any other time I was bowed to. Some less so. But all were thoughtful and intentional. Gazing took longer and longer. Less than five minutes into the ritual, tears flowed and flowed freely. Collective sniffling followed like a chorus of heavenly choir. My heart became so full that I had to take deep breaths between each person. As I bowed, I began to notice the feet of others. In a few instances, I felt compelled to touch and bless the feet. They were utterly human, the “bottom” part of a human or humanity. Because they were utterly human, beauty took hold of tangible human form, and I felt they needed to be honored.

Then my wife came and stood in front of me. Our years together, with all the highs and the lows, in wisdom and foolishness, and courage and cowardice, flashed before me in a few seconds. In a few seconds, we held years’ worth of intimate conversations. For a few seconds, we stood “naked” and innocent, and we were joyfully lost dancing in the “Garden.” In a few seconds, I must have thanked God a thousand times and more that she is my wife. That we are to live this life TOGETHER.

“The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God's eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.” Meister Eckhart, a mystic and a saint, observed. The eye through which I saw others is the same eye through which others saw me. During the ritual, my eye and others’ eyes were one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love. Additionally, God saw us through our eyes. God’s eye and our eye became one, culminating in one seeing, one knowing, and one love. In the end, the ritual of leaving turned into the ritual of arriving in one love.