PART 3 | WHO AM I?
WHO AM I? (continued from last week)
Fast forward to 2012. This was the year I said yes to general directorship (along with two other men) of Frontier Ventures (formerly known as the U.S. Center for World Mission). I stepped into the role out of reluctant but full obedience to God. Our organization felt deeply the turmoil that usually comes after the death of a founder, and I was thrown right into the middle of the action. What soon followed was a personal level of pain and suffering I didn’t know how to manage (see my previous blog on suffering). My “coping mechanism” (which is really my ego) simply failed to serve me. I panicked and panicked hard, trying to grasp anything that came my way in order to survive. I felt like I was stuck in wet cement, knee-deep, which was slowly hardening. I usually am a pretty good escape artist, but this time, I was being calcified!
One of my life’s coping mechanisms has been to avoid pain and suffering by creating a buffet of possibilities and options in the future so I don’t get stuck in the present. My go-to sin then is “gluttony.” I do enjoy food and can still pack it in, but the way gluttony works in me is profoundly more subtle and deeper. Being (or the perception of being) stuck can be one of the worst and the most horrific things that can happen to me.
Thank God that my ego could not rescue me anymore. “It was the worst of times, it was the best of times!” (changing the order of the famous Dickens' opening phrase.) I then was forced to examine how I navigated my life and began to learn to rebuild, this time being more aware of my ego trappings and slowly discovering my true self…
Out of sheer desperation and panic, I began to search for help. The book that fell on my lap was Richard Rohr’s The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. I fully dove into the Enneagram wisdom tradition and began to understand who I am and how I am made. I began to see what my uninhibited coping and survival mechanisms look like in their naked forms. I began to learn to hold my gift and sin together with humility and compassion. [There is so much to unpack on the Enneagram tradition and how it impacted me. I will need to highlight this in a later blog.] The idea of holding the contradictions of gift and sin together rather than trying desperately to get rid of the contradictions is at first counter-intuitive. It is an invitation and a call to integrate contradictions. Ego’s main survival function is to compare and contrast (whether we do it subtly or forthrightly), driving toward superiority and winning at all costs. We tend to compare our best (gift or strengths) with others’ worst (sin or weaknesses) as individuals, groups, and cultures. No wonder Jesus makes a big deal about not judging others! Jesus makes an astonishing paradoxical statement, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25). His life ultimately demonstrated this very paradox through the cross and resurrection: In order for us to live, we must die. This paradox is Jesus’ invitation for us. Paradox is contradiction integrated and transformed. (In a few weeks, I will share my further reflection on the blessing of paradox.) Paradox resides at the very heart of following Jesus. Without it, we quickly follow certainty-driven, dualistic and manmade “low” religions.
A couple of practices I have learned to incorporate in my life are emotional sobriety and being in the present moment. As a seven (Enneagram), I normally live life with my feelings suppressed, especially negative ones. Learning to acknowledge my feelings (sometimes out loud so I can hear myself) and giving permission and precise language to what I am feeling have been significant building blocks for my life. Practicing the now has also been elusive for me. Similar to emotional sobriety, this is a practice of being in the present. My mind will often wander off to far distances and into the future. Escaping the present by thinking about the future is common for me. Past is a former now. Future is an imagined now. I can only love God and follow Jesus in the now. I can only access reality in the now. (A slight rabbit trail here. . . I often wondered why Jesus would say, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). Children are utterly loyal to the present. This very quality of being present is what I think Jesus lauds, as spirituality can only take place in the now. Animals and nature share the same quality of being in the present. They are all our superb teachers to be in the now.) Some of the practices I’ve embraced have been focused on being with my body. I’ve learned my body doesn’t betray the present. Physical activities, exercise, and Yoga (yes, I started practicing about a year ago) have all been extremely helpful. The body is thoroughly grounded in the present. No wonder I consider playing basketball once a week so therapeutic, as I can’t think about the future when playing ball!
Going back to discovering my true self’s vocation . . . It is too soon to even put into words, but some of the nuances involve developing people (especially younger people) who desire growing capacity to love in communities. And to do this with my wife. . .
In the meantime, one thing I am working on now is to build upon what I have learned in life and integrating my other streams of faith (particularly my missions journey) with the new-found contemplative and mystical tradition. I see deep correlations and connections between missional and contemplative streams. Articulating and educating the connections seem to be one of my intermediate contributions to the world.