SABBATICAL REVIEW PART 1: DEATH
A few days ago, Grace and I went on a no-frills picnic with a few of our dear friends to a nearby park. A tail end of a late warm summer day, we were welcomed by a surprisingly green and well-manicured park with scanty crowd. We found our perfect spot underneath a family of familiar-looking Chinese elm trees (we have one in our backyard). As we were settling down, I blurted out that the color green does something to my soul (In fact, some Enneagram teachers say green equates with Enneagram 7). Green represents optimism, playfulness (just want to run around), and growth. Processing this thought, I got myself in a pleasant mood, not to mention the good company of friends.
The purpose of our picnic was to review, with the help and support of our friends, our yearlong sabbatical as it is ending in less than a month now. We were grateful that they would take the time to listen and listen deeply. As it turned out, we decided we would do the review and reflection for all of us.
My wife prepared the grand examen exercise to guide our reflection and sharing. We were given a half an hour or so individually to reflect on the questions below and then came together and listened to each other with further questions and responses. Below are the questions. (You are welcome to use these questions to reflect on your own life for the last 6 months, a year, etc.)
1. A LOOKING BACK-Using the power of memory, one retrospectively reviews the past six months and deliberately exercises the discipline of seeing/noticing.
2. A LOOKING THROUGH-Dependent upon the mind of Christ, one discerns the apparent connections and deeper meaning within one’s experiences (themes and patterns).
3. A LOOKING FORWARD-Relying on sanctified imagination, one envisions future direction (what and where God’s calling/leading may be) for the upcoming months or year.
4. A LOOKING AROUND-Drawing on the resources of community (the gift of “one anothering”), one determines needed support and structure to press on toward the next year or so.
As our sabbatical is coming to end, I would like to share what I processed under A LOOKING BACK in this week’s blog (as well as 2 more in the next couple of weeks).
Three words came to my awareness as a summary of A Looking Back: Death, Deconstruction, Desire.
Death
My sabbatical started with the impending death of my father, and 4 months into my sabbatical, my father went to be with the Lord. Kobe's death paled in comparison to my father’s passing, but it shook me nonetheless. Right on the heels of my father’s passing was COVID-19. The day of my father’s funeral was the day that the California state government declared emergency. Talk about literal deaths all around the world. Then George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and many other names, which represented more than physical deaths. These deaths came to me as a violent and inexcusable outcome of the death of human dignity.
On a much less significant note, I also was reminded that there was a death of a dream; we had planned on going on a pilgrimage to Spain, a visit to Taize community, vacation at a farmhouse in Brittany, France, and a few other monasteries/communities in Europe, as well as a month-long swing to Korea, along with trips in the US. (I am hoping that this was a momentary death though and thus more of a postponement.) And death to watching live sports on TV. This was a tiny death, incomparable to deaths I mentioned above, of NBA being suspended over COVID-19 concerns. I thought the Lakers had a great chance to win it all. (Super happy they DID win it!)
I felt one main theme especially earlier in my sabbatical was death. I didn’t like it at all. My early months of sabbatical were filled with rebellion against God, kicking and screaming, and asking “Why? Why? Why?” only to be met with silence from God. In fact, one day in my mind’s eye, I imagined God compassionately smiling at me. Still no words. I also noted that I don’t do death very well. When I was younger, death was inconceivable, only being reminded during occasional funerals. One emerging lesson is learning to embrace death with all its complexities, messiness, with no clear answers. Death teaches I have no control over life. The belief I have things under my control is an illusion. Even as I write this now, I know I will have to learn this yet again and again. As nature teaches us so well, death is never wasted but always leads to bursts of new life eventually. I remind myself that the deaths I’ve experienced will be used to bring new life.
All in all, in retrospect, my sense of powerlessness before death sets the right tone in surrendering and letting things go. The way to welcome spring is to embrace and live through the bleak and seemingly lifeless winter. A very big lesson in life. The glory of resurrection only makes sense after the brutality and pain of the cross.