EVOLVING ASSURANCES + CERTAINTIES
When the gospel was presented to me during my freshman year in college, it was in the form of the well-known “bridge illustration,” which depicts the wide chasm between God and me with Jesus being the only bridge. I was partially captivated by the presenter’s zeal and was impressed by his strong sense of certainty. It was an air-tight presentation with no loopholes or escape routes. But being a pretty good escape artist, I did not respond at that time by praying the “sinner’s prayer.” What I eventually responded to was the lived-out examples of love among the Christian brothers and sisters in the college dorm where I resided. I told myself, “that’s what I want and need.” This came after years of pursuing hedonism and parties. I did end up praying the “sinner’s prayer” but not the kind where I repeated after someone else leading me. I uttered my own sense of where I was at during that time and how I desperately needed to know God. It was April 22, 1982. It was a radical conversion, literally turning me around, pointing me to a completely different direction.
In my early Christian years, I was immersed in the discipleship program at the church I was attending. I took this extremely seriously, and church became my life, not just a part of my life. As I reflect, I can see how these years were all about “assurances” and “certainties.” I didn’t have time or space to ask questions. It almost felt like somebody had already thought of all the questions I would ask and provided answers to them preemptively. I simply assumed this was the new norm, all the while not being so sure of what to do with the real questions I had deep down. Questions about life, the Bible, and God. I took part in and led campus and street evangelism efforts that were all about zeal and passion, all stemming from the assurances and certainties I had built my life around. Missions was a natural progression out of this zeal for assurances and certainties. I was convinced that others needed to have the kind of conviction, zeal, and assurances that I had. That was evangelism and missions to me.
The modern mind likes to separate and create clear boundaries between us and them…
Christianity as a religion thinks it needs certainty
All feel the need to create clear boundaries (not just four walls)—who is in and out. Without this, there is no “us” or “them.”
Now when I look back, the scariest thing to me was that I became this zealous and radical leader of my generation.
I was also told to choose between God and the world. I was reminded again and again to “be in the world but not of the world.” I focused so much on not being of the world, my theology in those early formational years didn’t come close to capturing what it meant for me to be in the world. Not being of the world dominated and overshadowed being in the world. The Church was where God was and God somehow could not tame the world to be His domain, or so I thought. Years later, some of my most profound spiritual experiences would come to rely on finding God in all things and all things in God. But more on this below.
What do you do when you are certain about your experiences in life, but you are not certain of the meanings?
I have my set of forming assurances and certainties, but they are miles away from what I used to hold on to and pounce on others. To be sure, these are still being formed and etched in my soul, and my soul is discovering how to capture them in ways with which I resonate. In general, my assurances and certainties have become less about pushing certain dogmas and doctrines and moving away from belief based systems and more about what I am experiencing of who God is. One might say it is less about objectivism and more about subjectivism. (The modern mind’s jewel, objectivism and rationalism, is overrated in my opinion.) To me, this is one definition of mysticism. We all experience God uniquely and differently and at the same time universally.
“The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God’s eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, and one love.”
BELOW ARE A FEW OF MY GROWING ASSURANCES + CERTAINTIES
I am made in God’s image. This is true for all of humanity. One sure way to embrace the world (all humanity and all God’s creation) is to learn to embrace myself as God’s magnificent creation. Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 2:10 that we are his “masterpiece,” poiema in Greek. [This is where the English word, poem and poetry, come from.] The only other time the same word is uttered by Paul is found in Romans 1:20, referring to God’s magnificent creation (which obviously includes all of us). Paul must have been deeply impacted by the creation story! As God’s masterpieces, we including the creation, are unique and supreme poetry in motion, reciting God’s praises, which is sanctification at work. My favorite quote from Merton reads, “For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self.”
I am also a sinner, the biggest and the worst of them all. We all are. We do things we should not do and we don’t do the things we should do. Our ego thinks it is the real me and is in charge of running our lives. Learning the patterns of how my ego works without self-condemnation is the ultimate testing ground of how everyday grace works.
I am both a saint (created in God’s image, Love) and a sinner. Richard Rohr talks about how there was original blessing before original sin. I am both and. My sainthood and sinnerhood are like two sides of the same coin. I dare not boast in my sainthood lest it leads to sin. On the other hand, I dare not condemn my sinnerhood lest it harms my sainthood. Accepting the paradox of both sainthood and sinnerhood (which is the ancient contradiction of humanity) without pride and judgment respectively lays a healthier and a more robust biblical foundation for humanity than siding exclusively with the dogma that we are nothing but sinners. Humility and self-compassion become palpable spiritual exercises.
God is love. Love is indeed stronger than death. Because God’s love is never possessive or controlling, His love is founded on freedom. It has to. Yes, He is omnipotent, but He chooses never to force His way in. Just picture Jesus patiently knocking on our soul’s door! His power, wisdom, divine interventions, and all His actions in this life and the next are filtered and displayed through His unfailing love. His love never ever fails. It is this love we say yes to and become a willing instrument to channel to all. We love because He first loved us.
There are many many ways (should I say billions of ways) to Jesus but only one way to God. Jesus invited all to come to Him, with no exceptions. Samaritan woman, Roman centurion, Gentiles, Pharisees, religious leaders, poor, children, sinners (who knew they were sinners), just to name a few. Jesus was harsh and confrontational to those who thought they were righteous and thus didn’t think they were sinners. All, while remaining in their own background and cultures (including religions), could follow and love Jesus. Same is and should be true now. I know Muslims, Buddhists, and Hindus who follow and love Jesus while remaining in their cultural and religious contexts. No two persons come to and follow Jesus the same way.
The only reality that matters is God’s Kingdom coming on this earth as it is in heaven, now. I like to call this the “Big Reality.” Everything else is an illusion, competing for my and world’s attention from the Big Reality. The main task of spirituality is to discern reality from illusion and to operate out of reality and not be governed by illusion.
I experienced God when our family was picking wild blueberries along the lazy and unrefined and ancient sloping hill in Alaska, knowing fully that we were competing for the bears’ favorite snack. I had the surreal realization that I might be the first human being to ever set foot on that particular plot of land. It was holy ground. Another experience was when my wife and I were traveling from New Delhi to Jaipur in India and were surrounded by hundreds of butterflies along the road. We knew that God was greeting and protecting us and our young children back home. I also see God in the faces of my baristas, Angel, Fabiana, and Mariela, who serve me multiple days a week. I heard God when I watched Joaquin Phoenix delivering the best actor speech at the Oscars a few weeks ago. I see God in nature, in small children, and in animals. They have no illusions and thus reflect reality as reality.
Life is hard, although I would not want to downplay the brighter parts. This has been a hard lesson for me. Most religions don’t know what to do with life’s failures. So when (not if) we fail, most of us scramble to find support and stable ground underneath us in a safe community. Learning to embrace failures as one of life’s greatest teachers is one sure way to grow and mature. Here is another one from Meister Eckhart, “God is not found in the soul by adding anything but by subtracting.” Rather than finding fault in our failures, we should focus on the fruit of failures.